Dr. Forbush Thinks

How should you raise a child in our modern world?

When you raise a child a sane person asks a lot of questions. The questions begin when they are born, and they multiply over the years. Everyone who raises a child deals with these questions, and everyone wants what is best for their child, but not all parents answer the questions in the same way.

When your child is young and you take them to the park to play one question that always comes up is: Should they play with the other kids in the park? It seems like a straightforward yes/no question, but it turns out that it is quite complicated and it sets the stage for social interactions for years to come. The answer is based on a case by case basis, just like real life. Your child will get along with some kids and they won’t get along with others. But, like real life, your kids will get along with a kid on one day, and two days later they will be fighting like cats and dogs.

Some parents deal with this problem by being protective. Some parents deal with this problem by instructing their children to “beat the shit out of anyone who gives you crap.” I actually had a father tell me that I shouldn’t worry about my kid bothering his kid, because he wouldn’t put up with it. “He’ll just beat the shit out of your kid and then they’ll be fine,” he said. Needless to say we didn’t keep in contact after that “play date.”

Everyone thinks they are doing the best for their children. And they base their ideas on books that they read and experiences they have had. People who thought that their parents did them a disservice want to make sure that they make it up to their children. Some people are upset that their parents never bought them anything when they were growing up. In response they buy their children everything they ask for. Some people feel that they were harmed by their parent’s conflicts, so they refuse to argue in front of their children. Since not every person has had the same experiences there is only a limited range that most people can draw on to make their choices. This is how cycles of family behavior manifest themselves. Some cycles play out in one generation, but other cycles play out in two of more generations. The cycle of domestic violence plays out similarly one generation after another. Children grow up with a distorted vision of “love” being linked to punishment. Children believe that their parent hit them because they love them and as parents they believe that hitting their children is a loving way to turn them into “good” people.

(Of course there are many more reasons why people become violent and this is only one example of a violence cycle.)

With this in mind I began thinking about how some parents choose to “protect” their children by keeping information away from their children. The whole idea seems crazy to me. So, be aware that I am biased on this topic right at the beginning. My large view of the world is that people make better decisions if they have more information. I believe this extends to children as well.

So, for example, I checked out an “R” rated movie from the library and I showed it to my 12 and 13-year-old children. Now, I believe that a “R” rated movie is rated for adults. The movie, however, actually taught an important lesson in a humorous way, so I thought it was quite appropriate for my kids to watch it. Instead of continuing in an abstract way I will tell you that the movie in question is Mel Brooks’ “Blazing Saddles.” This movie is rated “R” most likely for some of the language and innuendo. For those of you who don’t know this classic movie, it is a humorous story of racism in the old west. The governor of the state pardons a black man and makes him sheriff of a town that is being taken over by a railroad. In order for the railroad to take over the town the railroad owner persuades a gang of outlaws to threaten the town to scare the town’s people into moving.

My questions about protecting children from this movie are numerous. Why should we protect our children from language that is being used out of the earshot of adult’s ears everyday at school? Why is it important to pretend to our children that men and women don’t want to have sex? Isn’t keeping the truth away from our children actually harming them by making them naïve about the ways of the world? Shouldn’t the benefit of putting racism in a bad light outweigh the language and innuendo in the movie?
But, my question is more broad. Why do parents think that they are doing “good” for their children by keeping information away from them? Is it because parents don’t know what they want to teach to their children, so the error on the side of not saying to much? Or, are parents to lazy and they don’t want to spend the time required to go over the issues and properly discuss these things with their children? I suspect that it is more likely that parents don’t know the facts themselves. They know the conclusion that they want to believe, but they don’t feel like they can answer their children’s questions in a way that supports their position. They are afraid that their position will be challenged and they will end up saying, “because I said so.” Saying this will send the message to their children that they don’t really have any legitimate reasons for their beliefs and their children will not support their parents position.

Obviously the solution to this is for the parents to educate themselves, not ignore the issues. But learning is always more difficult than sticking to your unfounded conclusions. Even Conservative Christians who believe in mythology should be able to explain the mythology to their children. They should explain why Jesus would not support racism and why he would not support sex outside of marriage. It shouldn’t be hard to have that discussion after watching a movie like “Blazing Saddles.” But, it is more likely that those issues wouldn’t be what the children actually remember. It is more likely that the children will remember the cowboys sitting around the campfire eating beans and farting. Is this little bit of slapstick going to harm your child? Isn’t it highly probable that these children already engage in fart-talk every day at school?