Dr. Forbush Thinks

What are the differences between a healthy relationship and an abusive one?

I presume that we could most likely agree that every relationship that we have with any other person is unique. There are personal details about every relationship that makes them unique. There is a personal history involved with every person and that history involves all of the relationships that the person has with every other person.

But, just because every relationship is unique that does not mean that we can not know anything about a relationship in general. This is because we have the ability to generalize about relationships based on general characteristics of those relationships.


The broadest generality that we can make is to determine whether a relationship has the characteristics of an abusive relationship or a healthy relationship. The first thing that comes to mind when we think about this difference is violence. Does one person in the relationship cause violence to the other person in the relationship? This is obvious, but understanding why the two people were attracted to each other in the first place and sought to build a relationship in the first place gives us insight into understanding the relationship and the two people involved.

So, what do the two people find attractive in each other that leads them into an abusive relationship in the first place? Generally the personalities of the two people complement each other. The abuser is looking for someone to control and the abusee is looking for someone to give them direction. That’s right, the abusee is generally does not know what they want except for some vague ideas about having a happy life surrounded by happy people. After all, many of us have this same general idea, but we also have more specific plans about what we want. But a person that is susceptible to abuse is willing to be told what to do in order to achieve this generalized goal of having a happy life and being surrounded by happy people. They tend to pursue making the people in their relationships happy and often to the detriment of themselves. When they meet a person who is determined to tell them what to do, the abusee is likely to do everything they are told to do without question. And when the abuser takes advantage of the abusee the abusive relationship is born.

So, the abusive relationship doesn’t have to be violent. In fact, the violence might never surface at all as the abusee continues to be taken advantage of by the abuser. In fact, the first time that violence might happen is when the abusee actually stands up for themselves and goes against the will of the abuser. The violence might be a sign that one party of the relationship finely has a personal plan for the future with something a little more specific in mind. Sometimes the generosity of the person begins to extend beyond one relationship into another one. For example, we can imagine a wife that gives money to help her mother out of a financial problem against the will of her husband. If the husband disapproves he may threaten the wife and at least show his displeasure. In an abusive relationship the controlling abuser refuses to consider the problem and asserts his control instead of trusting the abusee. In a healthy relationship a trusting discussion determines the concerns of both parties and reaches a consensus plan of action.

So, it is clear that trust is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, while control is the most important aspect of an abusive relationship.

There are many relationships that we have with different people. We have relationships with friends, neighbors, family members, and acquaintances. And, we can also consider collective relationships as well. This is because we have leaders on where we work and at the various levels of government. The leaders that we have deal with other people as well and these relationships are also subject to the universal laws of relationships. There may be healthy or abusive relationships. Bosses might be unreasonably abusive or they may encourage healthy teamwork and discussion. There might be a mutual respect and trust between us and our leaders, or there may be an assumption of control and abuse.

And, our leaders also have relationships with other leaders. Our boss has an intra-company relationship with other managers in the company. And, the managers have inter-company relationships with other companies. And, all of these relationships may be healthy or abusive. Similarly our political leaders also build relationship with other leaders and these relationships may be healthy or abusive as well.

So, one question that I have is the US relationship with Iraq a healthy relationship or an abusive one? Can we look at the relationship between the two countries as a function of the relationship between the two leaders, or should we consider other efforts as well?

Let us consider the relationship at the basic level. Why does it exist at all? I would suggest that Iraq as a country doesn’t really know what it wants for itself. It has some general idea of a happy life and being surrounded by happy nations. But, because there are so many different groups inside Iraq with many different ideas of happiness or success it really doesn’t have one specific goal and a plan to achieve that goal. Since it has no specific idea or plan, only a generalized idea of what it wants it is ripe for being told what to do to achieve its general happiness. In other words, Iraq is ripe for abuse.

The United States under the current administration may not know what it wants for Iraq, but they certainly want to control Iraq. The administration is happy to tell Iraq what to do and what not to do. In other words they are acting like a classic abuser. They know when they are happy and they clearly know when they are not happy with Iraq.

This is the classic abusive relationship. The abuser wants to control the abusee and at this point the abuser has resorted to violence. The violence is increasing because the abusee has finely realized that it doesn’t want to be controlled. But, similar to an abusive relationship they are not sure of the way out. The abuser is telling the abusee what to do and the abusee has realized that they don’t want to be controlled. The abusee doesn’t know if getting out of the relationship is the best plan, but it doesn’t like being abused either. If the relationship is ever going to change from being an abusive one to a healthy one the key is trust. The abusee and the abuser will need to learn to trust one another. So far this doesn’t look like it is going to happen any time soon.





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Don't forget what Stephen Colbert said, "Reality has a well-known liberal bias."


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